Bullying can feel overwhelming and isolating, but understanding what’s happening — and learning practical ways to respond — can make a huge difference. This guide uses Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help you recognise bullying, challenge unhelpful thoughts, and take effective action.
WHAT IS BULLYING?
Bullying is repeated, intentional behaviour meant to hurt, intimidate, or control someone. It’s not the same as a one-off argument. Bullying usually involves:
- A power imbalance
- Repeated behaviour
- The intention to cause harm
TYPES OF BULLYING
Physical Bullying – Hitting, tripping, pushing, or damaging possessions.
Verbal Bullying – Insults, name-calling, threats, or cruel teasing.
Social/Relational Bullying – Spreading rumours, excluding someone on purpose, manipulating friendships, or public embarrassment.
Example: Anna’s group stopped inviting her out. They claimed “nothing’s wrong,” but she’d see them together on Instagram and feels invisible.
Cyberbullying – Harassment online — nasty messages, embarrassing posts, impersonation, or group-chat exclusion.
Example: After Jess disagreed with someone, a group chat formed without her, and screenshots of her messages were shared with mean comments. She started receiving anonymous messages calling her fake and telling her no one liked her.
SIGNS SOMEONE MAY BE EXPERIENCING BULLYING
Bullying isn’t always obvious, some warning signs to be aware of:
Emotional or behavioural changes
- Withdrawing from friends and previously enjoyed activities
- Avoidance of school or specific classes
- Changes in mood – Increased anxiety, sadness, irritability or anger
- Trouble sleeping or frequent nightmares
- Loss of appetite or stress related eating changes
Physical signs
- Unexplained injuries (i.e. bruises)
- ‘Lost’ belongings or money
- Frequent stomach aches, headaches or feeling unwell, especially on school days
Social or academic changes
- Drop in grades and loss of interest in schoolwork
- Avoiding social events or school events
- Distress after spending time online
A CBT APPROACH TO BULLYING
What Is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)?
CBT helps you understand the connection between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. The key idea is simple but powerful: the way we think about a situation affects how we feel and what we do—and we can learn to change unhelpful patterns.
Here’s how it works:
- Thoughts influence your feelings (emotions)
- Feelings influence your behaviours (actions)
- Behaviours can reinforce your thoughts
When you’re being bullied, you might think “I’m worthless” (thought), which makes you feel sad and anxious (feelings), which might lead you to isolate yourself (behaviour), which then reinforces the thought that you’re alone and unwanted.
Example:
“I’m worthless” → feels anxious and low → avoids people → feels even more alone.
CBT helps break this cycle.
CHALLENGING UNHELPFUL THOUGHTS
Bullying can trigger harsh self-judgements like:
- “This is all my fault”
- “Everyone hates me”
- “I’ll always be alone”
These are cognitive distortions — convincing but inaccurate thoughts.
Try this thought challenging exercise:
- Notice the negative thought
- Ask: What’s the evidence for and against the thought?
- Imagine what you’d say to a friend
- Replace it with a more balanced thought
For example:
- Negative thought: “I’m completely alone and everyone thinks I’m pathetic.”
- Balanced thought: “A few people are treating me badly. That’s their choice, not a reflection of my worth.”
TAKING EFFECTIVE ACTION
1. Document What’s Happening
Write down or screenshot incidents with dates and details. This isn’t dwelling — it’s evidence.
2. Tell Someone You Trust
A parent, teacher, counsellor — sharing what’s happening is brave and often the first step to change. Staying silent often allows bullying to continue
3. Set Boundaries (When Safe)
A calm, assertive response can help:
“Stop. I don’t like that.” Then walk away.
You’re not seeking conflict — just protecting your boundaries.
4. Protect Yourself Online
- Save evidence – messages, posts, comments – before blocking. Store it somewhere safe (email it to yourself or a parent, or save to cloud storage)
- Adjust privacy settings —who can see your posts, tag you, or message you?
- Don’t share passwords with anyone, including close friends
- Be cautious with photos, personal info and who you share your location with
- Remember that anything you share digitally can be screenshot and shared, even in “private” conversations
- If someone asks you to send photos or information you’re uncomfortable with, that’s a red flag—even if they claim everyone else is doing it
- Report abusive content to the platform (Instagram, Snapchat, TikTok, etc.) — this creates a record and most platforms take harassment seriously
5. Lean on Your Support Network
Bullies often try to isolate their targets so spend time with people who treat you with respect; connection reduces the power of isolation.
6. Use Grounding Techniques
- Deep breathing (in for 4, hold for 4, out for 6)
- 5-4-3-2-1 sensory grounding (name 5 things you see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, 1 thing you taste)
- Physical activity to release stress
WHEN FRIENDSHIP GROUPS TURN TOXIC
Being excluded by your own group — but judged for making new friends — is incredibly painful.
This might look like:
- Being excluded but expected not to join other groups
- Being labelled “disloyal” if you look elsewhere
- Feeling stuck socially
- Worrying that reaching out will make things worse
Why This Happens
Teen groups often have unspoken rules about loyalty and belonging. When someone is pushed out but expected to stay, it’s a power play and about control, not friendship. You might hear things like “We’re still friends, you’re just being sensitive” or “Why are you being dramatic?” while at the same time being left out of everything.
Common thinking traps include:
- Catastrophising: “If I try to make friends elsewhere, it’ll backfire.”
- Mind-reading: “Everyone knows I wasn’t wanted and was kicked out of the group.”
- Black-and-white thinking: “Either I’m with this group or alone.”
Breaking Free
- Question the rules: “Who made them? Why do they matter?” “What’s the worst that could happen if I ignore them?”
- Start small: Join a club, talk to someone new, sit elsewhere occasionally.
- Expect pushback: Your old group might notice you’re connecting with others and try to pull you back in with temporary kindness, or they might escalate their exclusion. It’s about their control, not your behaviour.
- Reframe: Invest your energy in people who value you. You’re not “starting over” — you’re choosing healthier friendships.
WHEN BULLYING IS HIDDEN OR DISMISSED AS ‘BANTER’
Not all bullying is loud or obvious. Subtle behaviours, for example, when you’re told you’re being “too sensitive” or “can’t take a joke” can be equally hurtful.
“Banter” vs Bullying
- True banter is mutual and everyone laughs.
- Bullying targets the same person and continues even after you say you’re hurt.
Signs include:
- Backhanded compliments
- Deliberate exclusion
- “Concern” that embarrasses you
- Eye-rolling or mocking body language
- Sharing personal info without consent
Trust Your Gut
When bullying is subtle, you might experience significant cognitive distortion:
- Self-doubt: “Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe this is normal and I’m the problem”
- Minimising: “It’s not that bad. Other people have it worse”
- Self-blame: “If I were stronger/funnier/different, this wouldn’t bother me”
A key CBT principle: your emotional response is valid data.
If you regularly leave interactions feeling small or anxious, pay attention.
Ask yourself:
- Do I feel worse about myself after seeing this person?
- Do they “joke” about everyone or just me?
- Have I asked them to stop?
- Would I treat a friend this way?
When You’re Not Believed
- Keep a record of incidents (log the exact words used and the context, how often it happens, who was present, how it made you feel, any times you asked them to stop)
- Use “I” statements: “When comments about my appearance continue after I’ve asked them to stop, I feel anxious and distracted.”
- Find one trusted adult or friend who sees the pattern
- When someone says you’re too sensitive, what they’re really saying is “your feelings are inconvenient to me.” Don’t internalise “you’re too sensitive” — having boundaries and caring about how you’re treated isn’t a flaw, it’s healthy and important.
WHEN BULLIES INVOLVE OTHERS
Bullies sometimes recruit others to increase their power and make you feel isolated.
This can look like:
- Spreading stories and sharing private information about you to turn others against you
- Creating exclusion-based group chats
- Encouraging others to leave you out: “Don’t invite her, she’s so annoying”
- Turning mutual friends against you
CBT Strategies
- Challenge mind-reading: “Some people heard one story — not everyone believes it.”
- Focus on a few genuine connections rather than trying to fix how everyone sees you.
- Avoid public “he said, she said.” Let your behaviour speak over time.
- Refuse to bad-mouth the bully, even when tempted (this often backfires and makes you look as bad as them)
- Set boundaries calmly: “I don’t appreciate that, and I wouldn’t treat you that way.”
AFTER YOU REPORT BULLYING
Best case:
- The bullying is investigated promptly and taken seriously
- You feel heard and supported
- The behaviour stops or significantly decreases
- Appropriate consequences follow
Realistic outcomes:
- There’s an investigation (that takes time)
- Bullies deny it or minimise their behaviour
- The bullying may stop for a while then resume more subtly
- Things may improve slowly
- Some adults miss the full picture (don’t understand the social dynamics)
If Nothing Changes
- Escalate to another staff member
- Ask for specific action steps
- Keep records of incidents and responses
- Involve parents if needed
- Get external support if the school fails to act
If It Escalates
This is not your fault. Bullies may retaliate because they fear consequences.
- Tell adults immediately that it’s gotten worse since you reported
- Avoid being alone in places where bullies might confront you
- Keep your phone charged and with you
- Ask a trusted friend to walk with you between classes
- Keep reporting every incident
WHEN BULLYING AFFECTS YOUR MENTAL HEALTH
Bullying can have serious effects on mental health. If you are experiencing any of the following, please reach out to a trusted adult:
- Thoughts of self-harm or suicide – any thoughts about ending your life or hurting yourself
- Active self-harm – cutting, burning, or other ways of deliberately hurting yourself
- Panic attacks – intense fear with physical symptoms like racing heart, difficulty breathing, or feeling like you’re losing control
- Feeling hopeless or unable to cope – like nothing will ever get better or that there’s no way out
- Inability to function – can’t get out of bed, eat, sleep, or do basic daily activities
- Dissociation – feeling detached from reality or yourself, or having large memory gaps
There is no shame in needing help. Your brain might tell you things like:
- “Other people have it worse”
- “I’m being dramatic”
- “I should be able to handle this on my own”
- “People will think I’m weak or attention-seeking”
- “I don’t want to bother my parents, they might think less of me”
These thoughts are common but not true. Bullying is traumatic, and trauma affects the mind and body.
CRISIS SUPPORT (UK)
- Samaritans: 116 123
- Childline: 0800 1111
- Shout: Text SHOUT to 85258
- Papyrus: 0800 068 4141
- Emergency: 999 if in immediate danger
Reach out to a trusted adult: family member, teacher, counsellor or GP.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Bullying is never your fault. You don’t have to face it alone. By challenging unhelpful thoughts, taking practical action, and reaching out for support, you can reclaim control and move forward.
Healing takes time, and that’s okay. Even after bullying stops, you might still have hard days—that’s completely normal and doesn’t mean you’re failing. Be patient with yourself as you recover.
You deserve to feel safe, valued and heard – and there are people who want to help you get there.
If you are a parent reading this, we have a separate guide specifically for you on supporting a young person through bullying, coming soon!